Baring the soul at last

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

I reckon I've gathered enough courage to spit how I feel.

Weeks have passed and I still can't bear to blog or talk about it still, but the mutual understanding between us teammates know we're still deeply saddened by it. I've never been so devastated by something before that it affects me so hard even though so much time has passed. I literally felt pain in the heart, even up till now. I'd normally have gotten out of it 1 day later. But it was so important to me and I valued it so high up I was crushed when it didn't happen. I think many have moved on and I'm still trying to. But it still really hurts, because I don't have a second chance anymore. We're still fighting, we are. But we're fighting without a cause.

I thought I had given up on myself until today, when I realize the passion is still there burning, but with it guilt, disappointed and sadness too. This whole mixture of emotions is quite heavy on the heart. Pain.

And for the first time, I really wish we could turn back time. It was like a nightmare.

Coach is thoroughly disappointed, I can see that. I think he knows I feel ultra sad because he asked, "Ni hai hao ma?". He is spurred on even more to achieve it next year. But he has many more teams in the future. We can only play in that division once. And I'm starting to believe that dreams don't come true, more often than not.

It's right that we have to let go of some things sometime. I believe I would, slowly (as I age) But this is not going to happen anytime soon. As long there is hope for an A div, which I believe everyone is hoping for, I'm keeping my spirits and hopes up.

DHSVB will see new teams coming for as long as the CCA exists, they won't even know this thing happened in 2007. But I leave the school carrying this piece of nightmare as a constant reminder it happened on me. And I have this strong temptation to throw my wireless mouse at the wall, or smash anything now :/

We have wept hard and long, and I still will (I just did today) but I suppose I have to move on and buck up. I have to work even harder to redeem myself.

I'm not walking away from this dream without anything to show for it. Winning is important. Winning is not important only when we have won. That's why we felt so sad even though we bonded more as a team. Winning is the goal we aim for, the purpose of the team. When we have won we know we have done it.

The pain and the devastation crushed me bad, but I'm sure it didn't kill me (not literally at least) But as for the part where I grow stronger, after I get over the pain and sadness, after I have learnt to control the tears and take it easier maybe I'll come to realize I grew stronger.

Hopefully.