Internal struggle
Ahem, reading the last 2 posts made me realize what a senseless, crazy celebrity-chasing teen I've been. Back to regain some dignity (and sense)
I feel like migrating. Don't give me all that "be patriotic" and "remember your roots" thing. I fully know well I'm 100% proud to be Singaporean, and I don't need to wave flags and sing the National Day songs loudly, nor stay in Singapore to prove it. And in case you were wondering, I was extremely excited when Singapore got mentioned in Pirates of the Carribean 2. Or when mentioned in any book.
Okay, that's quite a lot of defensive words. Back to the point. I feel like migrating, or maybe travelling the world. Singapore is good, really. Good, non-corrupt government, fair laws and just system. It's just that there is something lacking. Like maybe the culture is not rich enough, of the system is not lax enough. Or there isn't anything to excite me here. If I go on I'd be reiterating some things I said in an extremely long and crappy post which I have, saved it as draft previously being very embarrased about it.
We only live once. Just once. And I don't forsee myself being happy in Singapore. I don't know why I have this crazy notion and please don't bombard me. But it's the truth. Do I go living the "right" way or do I go living they way I want it. Life ah, so full of dilemmas, so irritating!
But I don't even think migration will work out for me. I take quite long to let go of something. Because I find it a pity, I find it a waste. To let go of Singapore, all my friends memories.. It's a bit hard. Oh what am I thinking, I'm saying like I have to decide whether to stay or to go.
It's the same thing as Utopia. The grass is always greener on the other side. Shows merely let you get disillusioned. Like by going to Korea you'd have a drama serial-worthy love story. Hmmph, I personally don't buy that crazy thought. Ham does, she wants to migrate to Korea to marry Lee Dong Wook. No idea who he is, funny name. I think Korean dramas are a huge sucessful marketing gimmick. Singapore should do their own too! My Name Is Fann Wong, Singapore Sonata.. Instead of Bae Yong Jun we can have our very own act-korean Terence Cao! Wow, just put on a pair of spects and taaaadaaaa Singapore's very own. Oh oh oh we could do a Goong and name it .. Gahmen. Too bad there aren't any pretty or handsome fantasy-worthy actors to fill in the roles. Aw.
He Jun Xiang is too good looking and romantic in the show for his own good. For a moment (okay maybe for 3 days) I'm just totally smitten with him. But I've been hit by reality, a show is just a show. It's a story, for Pete's sake! Of course it'll be all so nice and fantasy-worthy. No worries, my own romance will come pretty much soon. (It's just taking it's own sweet time) Oh please may my husband be a romantic prince charming who will protect me from the bad guys and grow old with me! :/ :/ :/
Anyway back on track (Blogger ate up this half, I'm retyping) Life. LIFE LIFE LIFE LIFE LIFE LIFE LIFE LIFE. What a bother. There are so many things to see, to taste, to feel, to touch. So many possibilities. How do I embrace all these possiblities without regretting? I'm scared to let go in search of something else, because who knows, something might be better in the thing I let go! So I continue holding on. But what's the point of holding on forever! I need change! I need to adapt! I need to see the world!
I only live once, ONCE! Am I thinking so hard about how to live it, I'm wasting the time that ought to be spent living it? I sometimes wonder if it's a good thing to be born Singaporean. Being Singaporean means you have to take note of many many laws and things once you're born. Rules, order, rules, order. People won't let loose, they are too restricted to air their views. No creativity, hardly any fun. Singaporeans' aim in life: Live in this concrete jungle. Everything is about survival. Good job, good school, good grades, good family upbringing, good stream. It's just the culture. Hmmmmm.
I need help to see this world. Maybe a master of Zen and wisdom. Allow me to be wise! Allow my wisdom tooth to, um sprout and impart wisdom! Unlock my Ch'i energy! Okay this part I have to be slapped. I will NOT live my life people expect it to be lived. And I don't mean living it up the wrong way with drugs and smoking. But I mean living it the way I feel comfortable and with no regrets, instead of heaving society's expectations along with me.
I just need the courage to do so.