Struggling at the chains

'Ve come to a shocking revelation that maybe it's of a subjective matter. Gone will be the days when normal, sane and best are the words to go. What's left of a calm mind are tiny little wisps. What's left of sure, strong steps are fragments. The realization took them all away, took them all away. It's confusing, this journey is. And everytime a sign appears it leaves me even more confused, more unsure of where to go.

It's tiring to be judgemental of everything. And so I'm even more confirmed of this split personality thing. Or maybe it's split thinking thing. Or maybe I'm portraying different ideas at different times. Or maybe the self-denial's getting so bad, I'm actually believing myself, then waking up at night (when I'm alone, quiet and having some peace) and think: What the @#%! am I doing? This is getting tiring, my mind is doing the explaining and the realization (with shock attached) at different times of the day everyday. It's crazy, if it's anything. Billions of thoughts run course through braincells and they send me into states of shock, panic, then shed light on some of the starking truth. I've had enough, someone send me to a shrink.

I want to break free so bad, I know this is what I want, this is what it's worth. This is what life in the harsh reality's context is, anyway. And yet everytime I am desperate to try, to kick free, someone is bound to laden me with heavy chains, round and round and round again, to make sure I can't get anywhere. And here I struggle; stop pulling me down, would you?

And after I struggle, I think, sitting down here is ok after all. Then I give up.