Sullen

This little devil in my heart popped an urge to delete all my posts altogether. But I clung onto them and unwilling to delete the very past I live on. Guess I still find it hard to just keep my eyes on this journey and not look back.

"We take so long to walk the road,

sometimes we're just too tired to look back"

- Poryee

And yet I'm there not only looking back, but bringing all the stones I've stepped on, all the air I've breathed in, all the people I've seen, on and on. So much so I wonder if it's dragging me back, if they are no more than a burden rather than a testament of how much I've lived. I aspire to live life to the fullest, live big. But there's just so much to do, and so little strength and spirit for me to do.

Sometimes I cruise on insanity and follow my heart with such abandon. Yet some other times I think with anguish and find it so hard to accept what I did -- To follow my heart and ruin my life. I dread to see my achievements for Semester One -- Naught. I walk with such uncertainty I'm sure I'd fall hard and bad, and yet I continue this way with no thoughts for the way I'm going, no thoughts of how to salvage myself. But at least I woke up with this stinging realization and I dread the impending consequences I'm about to face. At least there's still half a year more to save myself and to wake myself up from those senseless things I've been doing. At least there's still time. At least there's still hope.

x x x x x

Family gathering yesterday was just mundane. The X-box was on from 5pm-1am and I can't get over the fact I'm the eternal third in car races, losing out to a few noisy over-excited primary school going kids. Oh, how they mock me. I was the only one from my generation there (Hansel you nut, you played me out). Adeline went to MDC to support someone in SuperBand which no one watches. Other than fidgeting in a small tent small enough to only fit 2 of me, watching Aladdin on a portable DVD player whilst hugging pink fluffy pillows and playing mahjong and sipping those horrible tasting wine and whiskey, the generation gap only allowed me to eat, eat, and eat, listen to them talk and sleep. Sleep I did. Fell asleep watching the kiddos play the thousandth time of the Crash Bandicoot race. The mums haven't had their fill losing money and the kids their X-box and the small girlies their little hideout in that pink tent. So I slept. And I felt those chicken wings and sausages and what-have-you churning in my stomach. Felt like retching all the way home. Guess I've turned from some family star to some sullen teenager sitting on the couch sleeping. Over the years I suppose I turned somewhat reclusive in front of family because their topics seem so.. On the surface. Unlike in school where I can be however I like without being under the scrutiny or judgement of people. Ok, people still do scrutinize and judge others, but their judgement seem so insignificant in comparison to those few adults that revolve around your family life.

Dad says a few more years down the road I'm going to be out of the kid's clique (in the family). I mean, Adeline's already out so I'm the oldest one willing to hang around and play with the small ones, but I guess I'm also out already. A lot of energy and patience is needed to play with their lame games. I'm sorry, they're really lame. But I also suppose a new wave of generation is waiting to take over, and we can all sit and watch and become old wicked hags while they frolick in the sun. Guess Dad's sad that I'm growing up. But be glad I am, alright? You should be sad if I remain 10 forever. And Mum and Dad insisted that I was unwilling to go out with them because I think cycling is lame and because I've grown up. I mean, I know you really want to get me out of the house, but I don't feel well, really. So stop practising reverse psychology on me. It's not working, just like the Panadol pills I popped.

Ok, a few morons are really really disturbing me (and my real long post of anguish) on MSN. I am going to end here now, retreating back (sullenly) to my attempts for doing the script which I hate. And then if those morons disturb me one more time with their senseless sentences, I am going to grab a gun and shoot them. This is it. That guy just did the final straw. Say your goodbyes to the world, moron.

Signed,

The Sullen Teenager