Can someone give me a clue.
I find it hard to cry like I used to. In the past, a couple of tears and enormous heaves later, I'm Ok. And yet now, I carry this heavy weight in my heart and I have no idea how to remove it. Crying is no longer an easy way to vent my frustrations. My heart has somehow hardened, my tears can't find their way out no more. Maybe I should rent a couple of soapy VCDs and cry my heart out. I've somehow blocked my way out, my escape. Somehow I don't allow myself to.
I blocked love out too. I can no longer fall as deep as I have in the past. The world is changing, so am I. And emotions to me are no longer so precise and clear-cut to me. They are now so subtle, so difficult to define.
My heart is this swirling mass of emotions, and emotion after emotion they come out. They make me unsure. They make me confused. They make me lose the old me. Though they make my goals seem much more clear. But the journey to it is so much more difficult with all the negative emotions which push me hard. I lose sight of meaning and life has become something unstable.
And the biggest problem in sight is that I have no idea why I'm like that. I'm definitely not stressed, for I'm not doing any work. And there's not much tests and work. Not family, they're great. Nor my social life, for there are great friends out there. I just have no clue.
I just really hate this feeling of all the negative feelings inside of me. Try as I might, they are just so difficult to remove. I am very afraid that I'll be like that for a long time (Which I really don't want). But I've no idea. I always relied on volleyball to lift my spirits up. But when my skills are not up to par I'd feel worse. I don't know if I'm pushing myself too hard or what. I'm clueless.
But in anycase, I really really hope to see the light soon. For I don't want to lead a life like that.